In an attempt to clean up its anti-environment and pro-pollution image, the GOP unveiled its Earth Day paper towels. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the paper towels are far worse than the run-of-the-mill ones.
Republicans were hoping to win big in the upcoming midterm elections. With candidates with high name recognition like Dr. Oz, the GOP felt confident it could win the House and the Senate. However, their hopes may be dashed with this clumsy attempt to win over suburban swing voters.
Consumer advocate Andrew Canard is clear the product is dangerous. “Even though each section features an endangered animal, whatever dyes they used are extremely toxic,” he said. ” For the love of God, don’t get them wet!”
Even though it’s too early for peer-reviewed research to show how dangerous the Earth Day paper towels are, reports show that getting them wet creates a cloud of highly poisonous chlorine gas.
“I was using a sheet with a panda bear on it to clean up a spill,” one anonymous mom said. “When I woke up I was in the hospital on a ventilator.”
Republicans are blaming “woke cancel culture” and critical race theory on the controversy swirling around the product. Many GOP leaders are saying people just don’t know how to use paper towels and that chlorine gas is actually good for you.
Doctor Anthony Fauci is the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases as well as the Chief Medical Advisor to the President. His work combatting stupidity is earning him death threats amongst the toxically idiotic. He refuses to comment on this ongoing public health issue. “Someone else can clean up this mess,” he reportedly told friends.
In related news, Bill O’Reilly is court-ordered to attend this kindergarten class.