Tallahassee, Florida – Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed legislation mandating Florida schools to adopt anti-masturbation lunches for all students. Governor DeSantis is heralding the change as a blow against “woke Lunchables.”
Florida statute Title XXIX covers public health. The newly passed Chapter 409 is aptly named DIETARY REQUIREMENTS FOR STUDENTS. Subsection 409.997 defines the legislative intent of the new regulation:
It is the intent of the legislature to erect a bulwark against the forces of indecency regarding the makeup of the lunches served to students. It is the policy of the state to ensure non-stimulatory ingredients in the meals as well as defending against the presentation of such meals in a manner that would incentivize masturbation, gender fluidity, and aberrant sexual lifestyles. It is therefore mandatory for any and all school meal personnel to follow the guidelines listed wherein Florida statute Title XXIX.
Governor DeSantis‘ office states the new sexually conservative lunch program is based on cutting-edge scientific research that has deep historical roots. Sylvester Graham was a pioneer of a mid-19th-century alternative diet designed to combat mental and physical maladies. Of course, this once Presbyterian minister thought sexual excess (i.e., masturbation) was a symptom of a deeper illness. He developed a bland diet that included his own creation,”Graham flour.” Graham flour is to be the bedrock of every single piece of bread, bun, and roll in Florida schools.
JH Kellogg incorporated Graham’s gastrointestinal philosophy and developed the breakfast cereal Corn Flakes. Title XXIX’s dietary regimen specifically names Corn Flakes the only breakfast option for students. And to the chagrin of many students, they won’t be allowed to place sugar on the cereal either. If anyone — students or faculty — is found sneaking in sugar they will face harsh consequences. Students will be suspended. Teachers will be fined.
Professor Andrew Canard has a Ph.D. in Christian Dietary Science from Florida State Christian University. He is spearheading Governor DeSantis’ drive for dietary temperance. He wishes to assure parents their children will be getting the best faith-based nutrition. “Children are the future. Our tasteless lunches will ensure students keep their minds on their lessons and not on what genitalia Joe Biden wants them to have.”
Students are not happy with the changes. Some stated they are planning to bring lunches from home. However, that is outlawed by the new law. Student leaders are planning to execute hunger strikes in defiance. Governor DeSantis stated that was fine by him since the state would save money by not having to feed them.
In related news, Ohio plans to crucify death row inmates.