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Pop star Billie Eilish and her boyfriend Jesse Rutherford were out and about the other night at LACMA’s Art + Film Gala 2022 when their custom-made Gucci blanket started to slowly digest them.

Jesse, singer of the band The Neighborhood, was the first to notice something was very, very wrong. “At first it was a tingle and then I started feeling numb,” the 31-year-old said. “I wondered if this blanket has a mind — and an appetite — of its own.”

Girlfriend Billie was too busy interacting with the press to notice the Gucci blanket releasing digestive enzymes. The enzymes’ mission is to break down the bodies of their prey in order to abord vital nutrients.

While Jesse was the first to notice, he was unable to say anything due to the neurotoxins the predator excreted. Scientists confirm that by the time a person realizes they are going numb the poison has already neutralized the speech centers in the brain. “Rogue Gucci blankets are dangerous. If one gets on you while you’re sleeping, then you’re as good as dead,” said one Gucci zoologist.

Luckily, it was OnlySky’s entertainment reporter Andrew Canard who brought the danger to Ms. Eilish’s attention. Mr. Canard noted Jesse struggling to stay conscious and knew the danger the couple was in because he had lost a cousin due to an out-of-control blanket just last year.

Staff at the event removed the dangerous predator and called 911. Paramedics arrived and soon gave the couple a clean bill of health. Police took the Gucci blanket to a Gucci blanket wildlife preserve where it will live out the rest of its natural life without endangering any celebrities.

In related news, Ben Stiller is in crisis after sitting next to comedian Pete Davidson at a Knicks game.


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Billie Eilish’s most recent Vanity Fair interview!

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...