Amid the stock market melting down and heightened fears of COVID-19, an inside, high ranking source came forward today and announced President Donald Trump never prayed.
“Donald J. Trump, President of the United States of America and darling of evangelicals, has never prayed a day in his life,” Jesus Christ told reporters.
The second person of the Trinity took time off from his heavenly duties to come to Earth to clear up this serious matter. Friends report he had been social isolating himself from humanity since the unpleasantness that occurred the last time he was here. However, the number of prayers by evangelicals for the commander-in-chief started to irritate him.
“Do you know there’s a person in Little Rock, Arkansas who prays every day to keep Trump safe from Nancy Pelosi poisoning his spray-on tan?” the Messiah sighed. “It’s absurd.”
Jesus went on to note he believes Donald Trump doesn’t even know what the word “praying” means. Whenever the President is with evangelicals and they’re all supposed to pray, Trump closes his eyes and thinks about his daughter Ivanka’s boobies.
Many people weren’t surprised at the next bombshell: Evangelical ministers don’t know how to pray either.
“I’m like What the fudge? I actually gave you the Lord’s prayers to recite. No parable. It’s not an IKEA table you have to put together. I idiot proofed that crap and they still don’t know how to do it,” a frustrated Jesus said.
Many questioned the wisdom of Jesus calling a press conference during the coronavirus crisis. He did address that issue. He promised to keep everyone present safe and sound from Father’s plague.
“Did you notice God the Father is sending a plague??? There was a major earthquake in Utah. Do you think he’s happy with the Golden Idiot you people created?” he noted.
After finishing his rant, the Son of God disappeared in a puff of smoke.
In related news, Ivanka Trump has duct-taped President Trump’s hands.
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