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City of Dis, Hell – A recent poll by the University of Houston shows Hillary Clinton only 3 points away from her Republican rival Donald J. Trump in the Lone Star State. With that news, a cold spell has hit the underworld. For the first time in centuries, The Steward of Castle Shaytan has had to turn on the heat.

I’ve been here for longer than memory serves. The last time things got chilly was just after the Council of Nicea when the Church codified the silliness of the TrinityHell didn’t freeze over when monotheism became polytheistic-monotheism so I don’t expect this bit of news to usher in a frost. But let me tell you the earmuffs are coming out. -The Steward of Castle Shaytan

Guests visiting the estate were reportedly concerned at the loud noises of the heating system coming back to life. They were assured by the staff that such mechanical groans were temporary and wouldn’t interfere with sounds of the damned being crushed by outrageously large physical manifestations of their mother’s disappointment. “I was personally relieved since it took forever to get tickets for Son gets pulverized by Mom’s unfilled Xanax prescription,” stated one visitor

Hellish residents who are from Austin, Texas have been absolutely insufferable since the poll came out. They are reported to be carpet bombing everyone they see with “I told you Texas was turning Blue.”

Sources close to the Devil are whispering that the Evil One is enjoying this twist in the 2016 election. Not only is watching the Trump campaign implode very entertaining in and of itself, but the Dark One has had nothing to do with the mess ever since he told Ted Cruz to launch a campaign that failed miserably. “The Devil has been very busy as of late with the civil war in Syria. Theologians like talking about a Watchmaker God.  Today’s American politics is the result of a Watchmaker Devil,” stated Devil’s Assistant Andrew Canard.

Climatologists in Hell are taking this opportunity to educate the public that while the current temperatures are chilly, global warming is very real.

*This Poe is based on the CNBC story Texas looks like a battleground as Clinton pulls within 3 points of Trump: Poll

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...

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