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In today’s marketplace consumers can be easily fleeced. That cat toy you just got Mr. Banjo fell apart within minutes of it meeting his pitty paws. The supposed four star hotel you booked on Orbitz has no pool, has no bar, and definitely more bedbugs than that place you used to take your girlfriend to when you were 18-years-old.

It’s almost as if capitalism is based on separating fools from their money.

If a visitor from another planet plopped down in the United States of America, they would quickly realize our economy is based on the Kardashians, repetitive head trauma (NFL, MMA, FOX News) and Jesus. However, that alien would be confused very quickly. Like any other product Jesus has many variations. The Messiah comes in all sorts of makes and models. Here are just a few:

Suburban Minivan Mom Jesus

This Jesus is for the busy mom who is trying to do it all. She’s balancing work and the traditional role of mother at the same time. The Minivan Mom Jesus is ideal for her. She can send her little ones to Sunday school so she can eke out a little bit of time for herself. Best of all she gets to outsource that irksome moral education her kids really need. The thought of Little Jimmy or Little Jill getting their primary lessons of right and wrong from their parents is a horrifying thought. Mom is letting go and letting Jesus take the wheel.

Sinners in the Fist of an Angry God Jesus

Jesus is the ideal outlet for you to justify being angry at the world. Your father didn’t give you any hugs and mom watched her stories as you ate Lunchables for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? That gave you a bellyful of the angers. And now you want to take it out on the world so everyone else will have a tummy ache just like you. In your wildest dreams, you will live with Jesus after you die and the two of you will look down to Hell and enjoy the suffering of all those losers.

I Gotta Get Mine Jesus

For those who are all about the paper, I Gotta Get Mine Jesus is for them. And when I say paper what I mean is cash money. This Jesus will tell you prosperity is the word of God and to ignore all that noise about how hard it is about the rich man getting into God’s eye of the needle for the camel.

Something like that.

Regardless, if this is your Jesus, then all you need to is remember a few Bible verses justifying pooping on the poor and then grabbing all you get out of the 7-11 of life.

How to Tell Who the Real Jesus Is

The hypothetical alien looking at the different types of Christianity will quickly realize there is no such thing as a “real” Jesus. What is real is the struggle to find meaning in a meaningless universe and a lot of people like their existential angst packaged in Jesus bubble wrap.


Laughing in Disbelief has a Facebook group, Left of Center. Check it out!

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...

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