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BRANSON, MO – Famed televangelist and prosperity gospel preacher Reverend Andrew Canard told his congregation that he is God’s paywall.

Reverend Canard was quick to point out that while believers still have to believe in Jesus and that the Son of God is the way to God the Father, Reverend Canard’s Holy Paywall TM is the only way to gain access to Jesus.

No one goes to the Father except through the anointed paywall.

Reverend Andrew Canard

Reverend Canard preaches at Branson’s First Avenue Baptist Church, a house of worship boasting 65,000 active members and reaching millions of viewers each week through the Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN).

Though the church isn’t disclosing how many of the flock signed up for premium access to God’s divine presence by subscribing to their site, anonymous sources say “tens of thousands” have paid $59.99 per month for the prime benefit.

Some critics online accuse Reverend Canard of taking advantage of people who are uneducated and desperate. They say God’s love doesn’t cost anything.

Reverend Canard has called these criticisms “detached from the reality of God’s ways.”

“God is constantly charging you,” the minister said. “He wants your time and energy. Jesus told us to tithe. Is it really that odd for the LORD to require believers to subscribe to His site in order to achieve everlasting life?”

So far, subscribers are saying they are happy with God’s Monthly NewsletterTM, the free travel mug, and of course the Official Certificate of Salvation.

In related news, Texas Senator Ted Cruz is immune to monkeypox.

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...