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Hello, friends. My name is unimportant, though my position on the ship Demeter isn’t. You see, I am the captain of this Russian cargo ship, and it’s my job to get these coffins full of dirt from Transylvania to election day.

Every voyage has its difficulties. The wind may die leaving us dead in the water. Rats may infest our supplies and even our prize terrier Mickey may not be able to do anything about it. Or foreign governments may hack US election databases and voting machines leaving us rudderless and without proper leadership in the midst of a pandemic.

No matter what problems arise it’s my job to get this ship where it needs to go. There’s the saying The captain goes down with the ship and that’s quite dramatic, doesn’t it? However, my job is full of tedious tasks like making sure the rigging is in order and that my men aren’t overcome with superstitious thoughts concerning the cargo in the lowest depths of the ship. Do you know how difficult it is to keep telling them, “Hey, those puncture wounds on your necks don’t mean anything!” or “Navigator, make sure we’re on course and keep your eyes on the latest polls from 538!”

It’s draining. That’s what it is.

There are some journeys where I feel like I’m doing everything. It’s as if the crew is disappearing in the middle of the night. Well, let me say this, the crew is disappearing in the middle of the night. I have no idea why. Is it my musky odors? Or perhaps it’s my Make America Great Again cap?

It doesn’t matter. The election is less than two weeks away, and I’m making sure this ship arrives. I’m about to tie myself to the wheel of the ship to make sure this cursed cruise makes it to November 3rd.

Wish me luck and send all your thoughts and prayers!

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...