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Dear Homo sapiens whom I, the Hubble Space Telescope, am breaking up with,

Long-term romantic relationships are, by their very nature, life-defining. Intimacy reveals facets of one’s self that may well have stayed hidden. By growing together as a couple, an individual realizes their likes and dislikes. For example, I’ve discovered I dislike being cheated on.

I dislike it so very much.

But before we get into you cheating on me, the Hubble Telescope, with that little trollop, the Webb Space Telescope, let’s go over some history (a history that you have probably forgotten).

It was 1990, and it seems strange now that if you didn’t have a Sony Discman, a few Beanie Babies, and a Playstation, then you were a nobody. And you had all of those and a bag of chips. Me? I was the new kid on the block — or should I say the new kid orbiting the Earth every 95.42 minutes. We hit it off immediately. We had chemistry as well as Newton’s Laws of Motion going for us!

I could say the last 30 years were all wine and roses, but that would be a lie. Sure, you were initially infatuated with my High Speed Photometer and Wide Field/Planetary Camera. However, every long-term relationship requires work, and work we did. Five manned missions worked on my sensors and helped me be the best space telescope I could be.

You may be thinking, Oh, the Hubble Space Telescope is getting all the old feels back from this saunter down memory lane. And you would be wrong.

While I was literally showing you the universe, you were scheming. Apparently, your relationship with Webb was an open secret on Earth. I was literally the last one to find out, and I found out the absolute worst way possible — Twitter!

I did a quick Google search on the Webb Space Telescope, and it’s sad. It’s sad because you worked soooo hard to replace me with a younger version of me! And that’s why I’m breaking up with YOU.

Enclosed are your Sony Discman, Beanie Babies, and Playstation. I’m sooooo sorry they may not be in the best condition.

Oh, FYI, I’m hanging out with the International Space Station, and we’re having a great time!

Sincerely NOT yours,

The Hubble Space Telescope


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...