Reading Time: 2 minutes The author enjoying a big cup of privilege.
Reading Time: 2 minutes

It is officially against the Gen-X Bible to bring attention to the fact that I am a Gen-Xer. There’s been a lot of conflict between Boomers and Millennials, Boomers and Zers, and Millenials and Zers. Xers fly above the generational strife. Those of us born between 1965 and 1980 have fallen between the cracks and that suits the majority of us just fine, thank you very much.

The main reason why we like flying under the radar so much is that you all should hate us so very, very much. We sucked off the teat of Boomer America. We are the last generation to grow up in the Homer Simpson household. One parent could hold down a blue-collar job that fed, clothe, and put a roof over our heads. Many of us graduated college with no debt.

And we did nothing to earn it. And then we squandered it.

Let me defend the Boomers for a moment. Boomers pushed the boundaries of civil rights, the environmental movement, and pop music. What did Gen Xers do? We road their coattails and then we crap all over the Millenials and Zers when they want to push the boundaries of civil rights, the environmental movement, and music.

Jesus Christ, people, wake up. We are the enemy. No, we aren’t even the enemy. We’re happily complicit in a toxic system.

Thanks again for ignoring us.

This rant was inspired by the McSweeney article As the oldest person in this American Eagle store, what’s my duty in the event of an active shooter? Let’s review a bit of this lovely essay by Hallie Pitts.

It’s hard not to notice I’m the only person with crow’s feet in this American Eagle, but what can I say, I joined their mailing list in the nineties, back when it was actual mail, and they haven’t kicked me off yet. Honestly, I’m not sure if I can wear mom jeans ironically or if the double irony cancels itself out, but I don’t care. I’m just here for their comfy yet butt-enhancing denim.

But as I browse, I barely have time to consider if I’m too old for this wholesome-yet-sexy college girl aesthetic because I’m also thinking, where’s the exit in this place? And, if the report of semi-automatic weapons echoes through the mall, will I, as the oldest person here, have the moral responsibility to lead everyone to safety?

Hallie sounds like she has a moral center, and good for her. Later on in the piece, she identifies as being an elder Millenial, and I thought, Christ, you have suffered enough just being in that demographic and now you’re thinking about your leadership role when the bullets start bulleting?

In the spirit of a Xer, my main concern, my first thought would be Someone else needs to deal with this whole situation. And my second thought is, I’m outta here! Boomers, Millenials, Zers, you all have this. I’m escaping with the generational wealth and opportunity I did nothing to earn.

So, long story short, if sh*t goes down at the American Eagle store, you’ll be able to figure out who the Gen Xers are because we were the first ones to walk (not run) away. After all, we don’t want to draw attention to ourselves.


Note: Despite being a member of the most horrible generation (just kidding ha-ha!) the author, despite his better judgment, has spent decades working directly with people who have disabilities and is now employed assisting veterans living in transitional housing.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...