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This is my happy face.

Many Americans are going stir crazy at home. For weeks (months? years? eons?) those of us who are not essential workers have been spinning our wheels and trying to figure out how to spend the time.

Relationships can take a toll. Just as your cat doesn’t like you around so much, perhaps your romantic partner would rather you just go away for a while. Personally speaking, my girlfriend and I discovered new ways to bicker. Just the other day she mused out loud why I’m not angrier while watching The Great British Baking Show. (THEY’RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT! CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?)

What’s remarkable about my situation is she doesn’t even see me all the time. My day job is working with people who have disabilities. I may not be getting paid as if I’m essential (thanks, late-stage capitalism), but that’s how I’m officially classified.

And now I’m quarantined at work until Thursday at the very least.

I work at a residence. There needs to be one staff present at all times. Due to COVID-19 that one staff is me for the next 6 days.

Allow me to allay whatever fears you may have for my personal safety.

I haven’t been tested positive. There was one staff person who worked at “my” residence who was exposed to someone who was tested positive for the coronavirus. Seeing that many of the population I work with are medically fragile, the policy is to effectively quarantine any house this exposed staff person worked at.

And that’s the story so far.

Besides my regular job duties, I have composed a small list of what I plan to accomplish during this very special time.

Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

  1. Find humor in everyday life, like how the sunlight travels throughout the day in the living room.
  2. Pretend I’m living in a functioning society (New Zealand/Middle Earth comes to mind).
  3. Sing the soundtrack to Anna and the Apocalypse — a personal favorite of mine.
  4. Watch The Great British Baking Show and get my yeast-based anger running red hot.
  5. Come up with stoopid technical questions to ask Chris Mallard of The Daily Atheist Morning Show. I co-host the show on Tuesdays and that makes him the official Laughing in Disbelief IT person even though he’s not aware of it.
  6. Text with my kids. They’re teenagers and not interested in talking.
  7. Talk with my girlfriend and express my new found hate for people who don’t proof their bread right.
  8. Double down with being irritating. I have ordered friends and family to refer to me as Mr. Hero Healthcare Worker.

It’s a small list.

But I have time to work on it.

How are you spending the time?

 


 

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...