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Columbus, Ohio – The state legislature passed The Good Friday Law last night allowing some death row inmates to die via crucifixion. Ohio’s Governor Andrew Canard quickly signed the document. The state may now crucify prisoners who volunteer for this final solution.

“You’d be surprised at how many convicts want to die like Christ,” stated Governor Canard. “They find the LORD in jail, repent, and want to spend their final hours on the cross as Jesus did.”

Many Republicans see The Good Friday Law as a way to solve the problem of the state not possessing the correct drugs for lethal injections. The rate of executions has ground to a standstill because none of the drug providers want to be associated with the act.

Crucifixion is going to revolutionize the justice system.

Ohio Governor Andrew Canard

Human rights groups point out crucifixion is a horrible way to die. The individual dies via asphyxiation over a period of many hours. The person being crucified needs to shift their body continually to allow themselves to breathe. That is the reason why Romans used to break the legs of the convicted in order to speed up the process.

The Good Friday Law does not specify whether or not future executioners will have the power to break legs. Governor Canard states he’s not against the idea since it keeps the process ‘biblical.’

Other states are looking at Indiana for information and inspiration. If The Buckeye State is successful, then Americans will see hillsides adorned with crosses being put to use.

In related news, Iceland places mental health warnings on all Bibles.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...