Reading Time: 3 minutes Photo from Unsplash by Sydney Sims. In public domain.
Reading Time: 3 minutes
kid
This rainbow tastes like genocide.  🙁

Concerned parents often wonder whether or not today’s diet of fast food, sugary cereals, and soda are good for child development. The answer is a resounding No! Biblical wisdom can inform parental  choices on what to feed little Jack or adorable Jill. Traditional Christian  food will supply nourishment for the body and soul.

Breastfeeding

babyBreasts are God’s gifts to babies. The Almighty placed two 7-11 stores full of goodness on the chests of women. Talk about intelligent design! Every new mom should be thanking Jesus before feeding their babies.

However, after you have thanked Jesus and just before whipping out a nipple, have you considered how shameful breastfeeding is in public? Faith-based homeopathic studies have conclusively shown that feeding in public destroys all the vitamin Jesus (vitamin J) in your milk. If your  baby doesn’t get all the Jesus in your breastmilk, then a host of health issues can develop like rickets, spiritual scurvy, and Hypochristianus Syndrome (Liberal Christian Disease).


gingerbreadThis man is getting ready to deal with his racist relatives. Learn how he’s doing it!


Weaning

steakTransitioning from mother’s milk to solid food can be difficult for baby, but only if that mother is of little faith. Jesus said that a mustard seed can move a mountain. If your faith is strong, then start feeding your little one a T-bone steak ASAP! Newfangled “experts” may say babies don’t have any teeth and their little digestive systems can’t handle the stress of slaughtered cow. Have faith and act accordingly.

Proper Nutrients

After weaning, it’s important that your little tike gets all the minerals, protein, and energy they need. Here are some tips to make sure every Christian-fed kid gets everything they need.

Energy

lightningMan’s world thinks of energy for the body in terms of calories. A Christian diet is fueled by righteous indignation, a lust for rationalizing one’s own behavior, and a burning desire to craft a world where Christians are always the victims but somehow end up being the victimizers.

Vitamins and Minerals

Moms shouldn’t be worried about made-up ideas like ungodly vitamins and minerals that are pushed on families by atheistic pharmaceutical companies. Jesus told us not to sweat the small stuff like food or shelter.

Sinful vitamins

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” Mathew 6: 25-27

 

So remember, Jesus is looking after your kids at all times and He will  take care of them. When Child Protective Services knock on your door, just hold up the Bible and tell them God is your family’s nutritionist.

Amen.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...