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Washington DC-  The coronavirus crisis is deepening. Foreign travel is curtailed. Schools are closed. Many are working from home.

Public health officials recommend regularly washing hands for a full twenty seconds with hot soapy water. People should also stop touching their faces.

However, President Trump is a habitual face toucher. In order to ensure her father doesn’t catch COVID-19, Ivanka Trump duct taped her father’s hands.

“He refuses to listen to reason,” one White House source reported. “Ivanka took matters into her hands by duct taping his.”

Anonymous sources say it was easy for Ivanka to pin her father to the floor as she taped up his hands. For all of his macho posturing, it seems President Trump has the strength of a newborn baby. The difficult part of the procedure was to ignore the commander-in-chief’s erection.

“My therapist is hearing about this,” White House intern Andy Canard. “That stiffy was just out there.”

Friends close to Ivanka say she knows the duct tape alone wouldn’t keep her dad from touching his face. The shards of glass she glued on the tape will do the trick.

President Trump realized he couldn’t be seen in public with duct taped hands with shards of glass glued on them. He decided to use son Eric’s Hulk hands.

The new motto for Trump’s fight against COVID-19 is “TRUMP SMASH!”

In related news, Mike Pence takes radical measures to fight COVID-19.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...