Heaven – Jesus Christ, the Messiah, and Lamb of God is telling friends, family, and fans that he maxed out the number of friends he can have on Facebook.
Jesus wanted to let everyone know if he could finagle more friends, then he would:
People keep sending me friend requests and it’s just not possible for me to accept them. It’s not like I haven’t tried to get more than 5,000 friends. Facebook doesn’t allow that rule to be broken. Ever. Believe me, I’ve tried to work around it. Feeding the multitudes with a few bagels and sardines was easier than getting Zuckerberg to return an email.
Millions of Christians claim to have a personal relationship with the Son of God. They are passionate about their faith. Jesus is the light of their lives. They have released the wheel of the car and the Lord of Hosts is driving.
However, it just doesn’t work that way. Jesus was admittedly a bit embarrassed when he explained:
The Christians who say they have a personal relationship with me are kinda right. They’re not my Facebook friend. I do sign them up to my fan page. And that’s even better than being my friend. I post a lot of content on my fan page, JesusGeek. Memes. Pics of toast looking like me. All the good stuff.
Followers and not friends of Jesus are not happy with this revelation. Many complain Jesus spams them with requests for them to donate to his Patreon page.
“Being a Patron of his sucks,” stated 15-year-old Southern Baptist Trae Cabrera. “He goes on other people’s podcasts and then puts their content on his Patreaon page. That’s a copyright infringement if I ever heard of one. A Hindu called him out on it, and Jesus gave one of the crappiest apologies I’ve ever heard.”
Trae is still a believer in the living Christ.
The teenager shrugged his shoulders,”That’s faith.”
Just to make the already tense situation worse, rumors have it that on occasion Jesus defriends someone to make room for somebody new. More than one Facebook friend of the Lord stated that they were told to “Wait a sec, and let me see who I can get rid of.”
The Holy Ghost is attempting to spin the situation in the most positive way but came off too alt-right.
“If it were up to us, we’d let everyone who wanted to be a friend of Jesus to do so. But it’s that Zuckerberg that’s keeping you from the Messiah. It’s one of the reasons why we fight Satan’s Illuminati.”
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017
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