Reading Time: 3 minutes There is something very interesting in this post, and I didn't write a word of it.
Reading Time: 3 minutes
Crazy diet secrets turned this zero into a hero.
Jesus’ crazy diet secrets paid off in the end.


Jesus Christ walked the earth many years ago and was an A list celebrity in Ancient Judea. Although much has changed from the time the Messiah was with us and now, the nature of popularity hasn’t changed. Whether it’s two thousand years ago or two minutes ago those in the limelight fret about their weight. Body shaming was as real  back then as it is now, and Jesus had his own scary diet secrets.

Jesus’ Body Image Problem

Hiding his shameful obliques from the world.

Jesus of Nazareth was the Son of God. What many believers fail to recognize is Jesus was 100% man AND 100% God. He was the original mayonnaise in that Jesus contained an emulsion of humanity and deity just as the creamy sandwich spread is an emulsion of oil and egg. And like mayonnaise Jesus had trouble with fat. Even though he was God, Jesus still had love handles. No matter many crunches he did at the gym they were obstinate and wouldn’t go away.

Jesus the Son of God knew he could miracle away the flab, but that meant Jesus the man couldn’t handle being flesh and bones. What the Lord needed to do was to thread the needle of proper diet and a killer workout regimen.

He was a Savior on a mission.


Crazy Dieting Means Crazy Results!

The Bible is full of Jesus’ wisdom. However, a lot of the Messiah’s crazier moments were edited out because the publishers thought it would make poor reading. Biblical scholar Andrew Canard states, “Leaving stories in like how Jesus cursed and innocent fig tree and how he bum-rushed the temple with a horse hair whip makes an intriguing reading experience. How Jesus achieved a 29 inch waist isn’t.”

Despite the best efforts from editors some of Jesus’ crazy diet secrets did make it into the good book.

After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry.  The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

 Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God. -Mathew 4: 2-4

Original documents paint how serious Jesus was about his diet:

  • Jesus chewed each mouthful of food 613 times. He was the Word of God made flesh. Jesus saw fit to give homage to each one of the 613 divine laws God gave to the Jews when he ate. There are rumors that Judas betrayed Jesus because he was sick and tired of waiting for that guy to finish a meal.
  • Locust broth. God knows everything, and He wasn’t afraid to show his son a kick ass broth recipe that utilized locally grown vegetables and protein rich locusts.
  • The Last Supper was every supper. The Bible tells of Jesus serving bread and wine for the Last Supper, but what they don’t want you to know is that Jesus made the disciples eat that every single time they sat down for dinner. Doubting Thomas noted in his autobiography Jesus turned his own wine back to water to cut calories.

Crazy Dieting No More

Once Jesus ascended to heaven, he was under his father’s watchful eye. One thing was clear — Jesus had to  give up his crazy diet secrets. Now the Messiah eats five small meals a day and does crossfit to keep himself in divine shape.



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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...