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The man who predicts presidential elections, Professor Allan Lichtman

Dear Democrats,

Wow, it’s been awhile, hasn’t it? Before getting into the change of policy regarding turning the other cheek, let me apologize for not speaking up earlier. Things have gotten way out of control in the United States of America and considering you guys rank somewhere in my top 193 countries on Earth I should’ve been on top of things.

I’m sorry.

There’s going to be quite a few of you who are going to excuse my behavior due to my dad’s mysterious ways. And that’s understandable. Dad likes to throw that phrase around whenever things are going sideways. My therapist, Judas Iscariot (I know, that’s a whole other story), “suggests” that taking responsibility for my own actions will help me actualize. I’m not really sure what actualize means. I hope when that happens there’s cake.

But I digress.

You’re acquainted with my turn the other cheek policy. You can find it in Matthew 5:38-40

³⁸“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’^[a]³⁹But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. ⁴⁰And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.

It’s one of my personal faves. When you talk about grace and being like me those Bible verses sum up what I’m all about. Let me tell you a secret. I had 50 drafts of those verses before coming up with the right words. I agonized over the word cheek. Wouldn’t kicking in the shin be more powerful? I’m hurting just thinking about it. And what if the reader is living in a tropical climate? Does the word coat connote some sort of imperialistic-colonizer messaging?

I worked hard on those three verses, and that’s what makes this sooooooo difficult.

Punch President Donald Trump if you get the chance.

When I say Punch President Trump if you get the chance you can translate that into the King James version as “Forsooth, puncheth that dicketh head dude in the face,” or any other version as long as your fist finds home in that Orange Anti-Christ’s gob.

If the spirit takes you, then kick him in the shins, too.

This policy also extends to a variety of other members of the Trump clan and members of the GOP who are complicit with the destruction of the country. Donald Jr, Attorney General William Barr, Ted Cruz, Jared Kushner, that rat-faced Nazi Steven Miller, gosh, the list goes on and on. If you come across Mike Pence, feel free to dick-kick him. We all know why. And what about Ivanka? Call me old school, but I don’t like hitting women. Feel good knowing that I’m personally tossing her into the Lake of Fire after her tragic blender accident in 2021.

So, that’s it! Hopefully, you understand the new policy and are going to go out there and take your shot(s) if given the chance!

Sincerely,

Jesus