WASHINGTON DC – Republican Jesus turned over at least seven tables and shot several chairs with his AR-15 on the Senate floor when he found out President Joe Biden plans to delay student loan repayment yet again. As the Son-of-God of the GOP conducted his rampage many Democrat and Republican senators remarked, “We should’ve seen this coming.”
The Hill News reports on Biden’s plan to extend student loan repayment. The policy was initiated by then-President Trump and continued under the current administration. There was growing pressure on President Biden to continue the pause due to the effects of high inflation.
The aggressive outburst by Christo-fascist Christ lasted twenty minutes before He calmed himself down. No one was injured by the outburst of rage and bullets. The Senate adjourned for the day as the clean-up crew once again swarmed down on the chamber to fix the mess. “We’re getting pretty good at patching bullet holes,” one anonymous contractor said.
Republican Senators, Representatives, and Russian President Vladimir Putin rejoiced in Republican Jesus’ fight against common decency.
Here are a few statements by supporters of the Right Wing King of Peace.
- “My girlfriend’s parents spend a lot of money on her middle school tuition. They pay their bills on time. Why can’t everyone else?” – Representative Matt Gaetz
- “The Bible explicitly says an eighteen-year-old has the clarity of mind to sign up for a massive loan that will cripple their lives. Loan forgiveness is a sin.” – Pastor Greg Locke
- “GOP Jesus is the truth and the light. No one come to the Father but by him. And FYI, I am the Father.” – President of the Russian Federation Vladimir Putin
Political analysts universally believe that all the controversy regarding Joe Biden putting on hold student loan repayments will be a moot point once the GOP regains the House and Senate in the midterm elections. Student loans will be overshadowed by the public crucifixion of the Republic.
In related news, Will Smith officially abdicated all of his royal titles.