Centuries from now people will look back and refer to the moment the assassin John Wick — who just wanted to retire and hang out with his puppy Daisy only to have his canine companion killed by Russian mobsters — realized God killed millions of dogs in the Great Flood.
As historians now demarcate time as Before the Common Era (BCE) and the Common Era (CE), future generations will refer to Before the Canine Epiphany (BCE) and the Compassionate Era (CE).
“Friedrich Nietzsche wrote ‘God is dead,'” John Wick said to an angel just before using a #2 pencil to illustrate his displeasure. “God is going to wish Nietzsche was right.”
Jardani Jovonovich, (John Wick’s name at birth) may not be a Jesus Christ, a Martin Luther King Jr, or a Gandhi, but he will usher in an era of prosperity and peace. For once he unloads the entire clip of his Heckler and Koch P30L into Jehovah billions of people will realize what a complete homicidal jerk the deity actually was.
“It was like I was living in some delusional system that cut me off from my own sexuality,” former Vice President Mike Pence said. “I have John Wick to thank for killing the Almighty in John Wick: Chapter 10 – Divine Command Theory This!”
No one knows for sure how the Belorussian-born hitman figured out that God, in fact, murdered women, children, as well as millions of man’s best friends and good boys in the worldwide flood as depicted in chapters 6-9 in the Book of Genesis. Some believe he was thumbing through a Bible while staying at The Continental. Others think he watched a few atheist-focused videos on YouTube.
Regardless of how it happened, once he connected the dots his sense of common decency and honor demanded he kill God the Father, the Holy Ghost, and Jesus.
“There may be some Christians who think Mr. Wick didn’t need to kill Jesus,” noted prominent theologian Professor Andrew Canard. “It’s important to remember Jesus is of the same substance as the other members of the Trinity. He had to answer for his sins.”
In related news, the Hubble Space Telescope is breaking up with you.