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Author of 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos and Christian conservative, Professor Jordan Peterson is releasing Sassy, a clothing and cosmetics line aimed at the professional woman.

Sassy is the unlikely product of the strictly heterosexual pairing of Professor Peterson and fashion designer Andrew Canard. Both men were struggling with women wearing whorish makeup and clothing in the workplace. “I don’t mind women wearing red lipstick to sexually arouse men at work,” stated Mr. Canard. “What men will not tolerate, however, are Andrea and Karen calling Human Resources because they don’t like us boys talking about two girls and one cup during the conference call.”

Professor Peterson got the idea for Sassy while meditating on the socio-political-archetypal relevance of SpongeBob SquarePants. According to Peterson, SpongeBob is representative of today’s demasculinized male. Due to postmodern Marxist pronouns SpongeBob will never mature into a real man. What the cartoon narrative needs is a traditional female character that will protect and nurture SpongeBob’s fragile male identity.

”That’s when I realized we need traditional female characters in the workplace to protect and nurture men’s fragile male identities,” Professor Peterson reported. “Women in canvas sacks is the obvious Judeo-Christian answer.”

Undatable and confused young men who never really understood Fight Club or Rick and Morty supplied the funding for Sassy. Longtime friend of Peterson’s, Andrew Canard, then joined the business venture.

Critics point out Sassy cosmetics are simply a mix of saw dust and ground toenail clippings. The products are expensive and offer no value to the customer. Professor Peterson answered these charges by saying, “*Experiential truth requires unique marvel. God unfolds into the doorway to power. The Bible is at the heart of a jumble of choices.”

Peterson’s fans marveled at the wit and wisdom of their guru. They went out and bought scores of Sassy products just in case they ever get girlfriends.


*Brought to you by the Jordan Peterson Word Salad Generator.

Check out Ed Brayton’s post Jordan Peterson, Fully In Context and Incredibly Sexist

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...