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Washington DC – Justice Clarence Thomas is secretly taking anti-harassment classes due to his numerous inappropriate remarks made to Justice Amy Coney Barret.

Chief Justice John Roberts ordered the 74-year-old Thomas to attend the classes after several incidences. On more than one occasion Thomas has said he would “wife up” the 51-year-old Barret ‘in a heartbeat’ if suddenly they were both single. Though both justices are married, Thomas noted that God works in mysterious ways and that if it’s meant to be, well, then it’s meant to be.

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Conservative Justice Samuel Alito mentioned to his staff many times how Thomas always seems to ask for a hug from Barret whenever he sees her. “He’s not a touchy guy except when Justice Barret enters the room,” he said.

OnlySky’s Supreme Court Correspondent Andrew Canard is not surprised that the Chief Justice had to step in. “Cringe. Eternal cringe. Nothing but cringe,” he said. “How many times can you hear Thomas tell her that she’d be prettier if she smiled right in the middle of court?”

Officially Justice Thomas is taking time off to help his wife Ginni Thomas work on the Trump 2024 campaign. The two are supposedly raising money for the former President as well as attending his rallies. However, it’s an open secret Justice Thomas is in the midst of an intervention orchestrated by the GOP that is meant to change his behavior.

“I’ve worked with a lot of right-wing personalities who are creeps,” said an anonymous insider. “I think Thomas is in the same category as Bill O’Reilly and the late FOX News chief Roger Ailes.”

Justice Amy Coney Barret is enjoying the respite. She’s been able to handle Thomas’ sexist statements and acts with grace. Her friends say that she’s sticking by her principles and bravely continuing with her work on the Supreme Court. There’s no way she’s going to let misogyny get in the way of her curtailing the rights of women.

In related news, Scott Baio says he can’t find work. Will Kevin Sorbo be his savior?

Thanks for stopping by! You may enjoy the book Profiles in Ignorance: How America’s Politicians Got Dumb and Dumber by Andy Borowitz.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...