Reading Time: < 1 minute

HOLLYWOOD – Insiders are calling Kirk Cameron’s new movie Die Hard in Heaven. The 51-year-old devout Christian is reportedly determined to tell a story that amounts to a prequel to the Bible.

Director Andrew Canard heads the team. He’s directed the Christian films Persecuted Christians vs Woke Antifa as well as the classic Critical Race Theory Wants To Trans Your Kids. Canard co-wrote the script with Cameron. However, both men say Jesus was in the writers’ room at all times.

Jesus takes the wheel in my life, and He takes the pen when I’m writing.

Andrew Canard

The story centers around a plucky angel played by Kirk Cameron named Jonathan. Jonathan is your everyday angel going about his business pleasing the LORD in Heaven before the beginning of time. Even though everything seems peaceful, there is evil brewing. Some angels aren’t happy with praising God. Some angels want widescreen TVs, high-speed internet, and worse of all they want to read banned books like Antiracist Baby.

Jonathan begins to see things are not going to the divine plan when those bad seed angels wear Black Lives Matter t-shirts to worship service. Jonathan doesn’t want to believe his brothers and sisters are taking such a dark path. “Don’t they know all angels’ lives matter?” he says to a friend.

Die Hard in Heaven lives up to its name when an all-out rebellion begins. Kevin Sorbo plays Lucifer. He’s out for blood and for teaching evolution in angel schools.

Will good triumph over evil?

Will Kirk Cameron’s character fall from grace or will he find everlasting peace in God’s divine bosom?

To find out you will have to watch Die Hard in Heaven.

In related news, Ted Cruz says he was never invited to drug-fueled orgies.

Avatar photo

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...