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A local atheist never liked to call himself a Humanist. Although he revels in narcissism and hating on Two Broke Girls, deep down he is a Humanist as defined by the American Humanist Association:

Humanism is a progressive lifestance that, without theism or other supernatural beliefs, affirms our ability and responsibility to lead meaningful, ethical lives capable of adding to the greater good of humanity.

Friends of his may be surprised by this fact. However, the devil is in the details. The definition only states our ability and responsibility not to be dirtbaags. It doesn’t boldly state human beings are angels.

Even taking that into consideration, the local atheist doesn’t like calling himself a Humanist. He’s seen quite a bit of the species in his time and would rather define himself as Someone who is patiently waiting for something better than people — aliens, benevolent artificial intelligence, or even super-intelligent platypuses. And he is willing to argue with anyone super intelligent platypuses would be better than Homo sapiens. Platypuses have duckbills and those wonderful beaverish tails.

He checks his email inbox to make sure he’s on point concerning his contempt. You see, even the local atheist has a daily amount of contempt. He has to measure it out prudently. If he were to use it all up, then what would happen if he happened to be in a pub and a TV has FOX News on?

The email seems pretty straightforward about who the local Humanist organization is out there to serve.

At least give a hint, you say? Okay: given our new focus on applying humanist values to help shape meaningful lives and ethical leadership in science, technology, and business, this event will bring together leading voices to re-envision – and maybe even redefine – what has been one of the cornerstones of Western society over the past few centuries.


Is it a secular sacrilege to suggest Humanists need a little more Jesus? Oh, not the Jesus who said: “Thinking of having sex with Taylor Swift is the same thing as having sex with Taylor Swift in the eyes of God.” Rather, the Humanist organization could use a bit of “Take care of the poor. Give away all that crap you don’t need, and go do your bloody job. Oh, and did I mention your job is to take care of the poor?”

Note: Your job isn’t giving handjobs to the 1%.

The local atheist poured out more than enough contempt before 9 am. He’s going to have to avoid FOX News for the rest of the day.


Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017  Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. 

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...