Peru, Georgia – Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene may have a 99 in 100 chance of winning in the midterm election, but that isn’t stopping her from energizing MAGA voters by attacking “European metric time.”
At a recent campaign event, the crowd became agitated when Greene talked about Joe Biden working to take away hours, minutes, and seconds, replacing them with “non-binary centidays” and “critical race theory millidays.”
“First, Joe Biden is taking the lead pipes outta the streets,” said one MAGA voter, “and that I don’t like because I like my water like my tea: sweet. Second, Jesus died for America, freedom, and the arbitrary way we keep time. Don’t go changing that!”
The crowd quickly morphed into a mob vowing to destroy anything metric. An anonymous drunk noted that his bottle had 375 milliliters of rum in it. After guzzling it, he smashed the bottle on the ground and vowed never to let the Devil’s numbers touch his lips again.
Local police arrived on the scene to restore peace before things got out of hand. However, after hearing about the ongoing and deadly threat metric poses to the community, they organized the mob and marched on the local library.
“Black Lives Matter metric time is hiding in the kids’ section!” yelled police officer Andrew Canard.
Once the group arrived at the town’s only library, angry metric time truthers descended on the kids’ section. Confused and angered by the Dewey Decimal System, many assumed it was metric time, meaning their fears had come true: ALL the books were metric time.
Thankfully, the book burning that followed was conducted at 451 Fahrenheit, not 233 Celsius.
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