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Tallahassee, Florida – Florida Governor Rod DeSantis was viciously attacked earlier today by a visibly agitated Commonwealth of Massachusetts. DeSantis received a large hot Dunkin Donuts Americano coffee to the face.

You’re being duped by a bunch of grifters and billionaires who don’t care about you and your family.

Dropkick Murphys frontman Ken Casey raging against MAGA Republicans

Eyewitnesses report Massachusetts was hanging around the Starbucks near the Florida statehouse “talking trash” about Florida and its governor. “Wow, it was like, 9 o’clock in the morning and he already smelled like Sam Adam’s lager and Swisher Sweets cigarillos,” one anonymous bystander said. “He refused to buy anything and had two large Dunkin Donuts coffees with him.”

Starbucks employees asked Massachusetts to leave. The Commonwealth reportedly handed out a few hundred dollar bills and casually mentioned how it is ranked the most prosperous state and Florida ranked 31st. The Starbucks employees quickly decided to let Massachusetts do whatever it wanted to.

One customer who had lived up north had seen all of this before and sat back to watch the show. “This Masshole gets revved up all the time. First, they tell you they created the American Revolution. Second, they love telling you about how they singlehandedly ended slavery in America. And after that, they start quoting The Departed.”

No one suspected the real reason why Massachusetts was there. Some thought the Commonwealth was visiting Florida to stalk Miami Buccaneers quarterback, Tom Brady. The real reason was about to walk through the door.

Governor Ron DeSantis is a man of many habits. He likes getting up promptly at 5:30 am and goes for his morning jog. By 8:30 am he leaves his house to go to the statehouse. A little after 9 he walks into Starbucks and gets a large Mocha Cooke Crumble Frappuccino.

Governor DeSantis was going to get a lot more than his usual drink order.

An unsuspecting DeSantis walked in and went to the front of the line as he usually does. Other customers felt the electricity in the air as Massachusetts grew awfully quiet. People took a few steps away from the governor.

Mahtha’s Vineyard says hello!” yelled the irate state leaving many onlookers realizing that, yes, people in Boston really do have accents like that. Just as DeSantis turned to meet his attacker he got a large hot Dunkin Donut Americano to the head and fell to the ground. “We’ll take every asylum seeker and immigrant you got because we are ******* good Samaritans and don’t want them living here with a [the string of objectionable adjectives about DeSantis continued for several minutes] like you running things.”

And just like that Massachusetts left Starbucks drinking the second large Americano like nothing ever happened.

Governor DeSantis went to a local hospital and was given medical assistance. However, medical specialists say he’s still a huge jerk.

In related news, the Vatican Boys Choir defects to Japan.


Note: There have been times that the author of this piece smelled like Sam Adams and Swisher Sweets at 9 am in the morning.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...