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Washington DC- President Trump’s spiritual advisor and prosperity gospel prophet Reverend Paula White painted White House doors with lamb’s blood earlier today. Sources state the blood of lambs is intended to keep out COVID-19.

This bizarre idea harkens back to the Old Testament when Moses told Israelites how to protect themselves.

21 Then Moses called for all the elders of Israel and said to them, “Pick out and take lambs for yourselves according to your families, and kill the Passover lamb. 22 And you shall take a bunch of hyssop, dip it in the blood that is in the basin, and strike the lintel and the two doorposts with the blood that is in the basin. And none of you shall go out of the door of his house until morning. 23 For the Lord will pass through to strike the Egyptians; and when He sees the blood on the [e]lintel and on the two doorposts, the Lord will pass over the door and not allow the destroyer to come into your houses to strike you. – Exodus 12: 21-23

Reverend White insists President Trump ordered her to spiritually protect the White House and that’s what she did. When asked if she’s going to Walter Reed Hospital to “protect” the President while he’s there she said, “Well, we killed a lot of lambs and we don’t want that blood to go to waste, do we?”

Evangelicals are ecstatic with this faith-based approach to fight the disease. They are ordering gallons of Paula White’s Lambs’ Blood Housepaint.

“If painting my door with a bit of the stuff just keeps out COVID, imagine what painting the whole house will do,” wrote one online reviewer. “I may just get me some superpowers!”

In related news, this little known provision in the 25th amendment gives Mike Pence incredible powers.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...