Gun.
Houston, Texas – Hurricane Harvey destroyed many parts of the great city of Houston. Homes have been ruined and lives lost. It may take years for Houston to recover completely. In these confusing and chaotic times, the future holds two things: Jesus Christ and the need to rebuild.
Enter Reverend Andrew Canard of Anointed Blessings Church. Seeing the great need, this Reverend combined the love of Jesus and the need to put up dry wall. The Jesus 3000 Nail Gun is the synthesis of the heavenly realm and earthly needs.
“Every time you shoot a nail into a shingle, it’s like saying a prayer to Little Baby Jesus,” Reverend Canard stated. “I think of every Jesus 3000 as my own nail shooting baby. Let me tell you this; my baby is going to rebuild this city for Jesus and lax building codes.”
Five percent of the proceeds from every Jesus Nail Gun goes to lobby the city government of Houston to keep flood protection building regulations to a minimum. Every one of Reverend Canard’s products has Trust in God emblazoned on them. The Reverend’s fans and followers support the plan to undermine the public good by making sure the city isn’t ready for the next hurricane.
Others are a bit more skeptical.
“Can’t we have reasonable rules to make sure this sort of flooding doesn’t happen again?” asked an anonymous member of the City Council. “Jesus never said, ‘Trust in me and jump off a cliff.’ It’s almost as if Reverend Canard wants another disaster to happen to sell more Jesus 3000 Nail Guns.”
Many experts agree Houston could’ve done much more to prepare for a powerful hurricane. In 1953 a storm killed over 1,800 Dutch citizens. It was a wakeup call for that tiny country. A massive effort ensued. A system to control flood waters was completed in 1997. The nation is far better prepared for extreme weather events.
Reverend Canard scoffs at “man’s efforts to control acts of God.” If he has his way, the Texas state legislature will pass a law banning lightning rods.
Regardless of the current controversies swirling around the Jesus 3000 Nail Gun, what is certain is that another hurricane will batter the fragile Gulf of Mexico coastline at some point in the future. The question is whether or not Americans will learn any lesson from Hurricane Harvey besides Trust in God.
*Even though the Jesus 3000 Nail Gun is a Poe, Holland has put a lot of work into protecting itself from storm surges. If you have the time you should read CNN’s opinion piece Holland has solved this problem, why can’t the US?
Here’s a slice of it:
Instead of waiting for so-called once-in-100-years rainstorms — which now come more frequently — the Dutch have lowered the flood risk to what they calculate is one in 4,000 years. The law even requires that authorities hold the risk in some parts of the country to one in 10,000 years.
Can I get a godless amen?
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017
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