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In a shocking new report from OnlySky media, scores of megachurch ministers embezzled millions of thoughts and prayers from the faithful.

Thoughts and prayers meant to heal the sick, find car keys, and win bingo went to fund minsters’ extravagent lifestyles.

OnlySky Reporter Andrew Canard

Anonymous hackers broke into the private emails of Joel Osteen, John Hagee, Kenneth Copeland, and many others. What they found is shocking to many believers. Skeptics, agnostics, and atheists aren’t so surprised.

Over the course of at least 30 years, these self-identified holy men and women scammed their flocks. Stolen thoughts and prayers went to pay for megamansions, private jets, donations to the Republican Party, and orgies.

Televangelists didn’t even need to hide their ill gotten gains in off shore accounts. Churches don’t get taxed and don’t need to show what they do with their assets.

Andrew Canard

The report also reveals that every single one of the thieves stole large percentages of the thoughts and prayers. At least 99% were pilfered. In one case 114% went missing.

How did Joel Osteen steal 114%?

Some believe it was a miracle.

OnlySky reached out to those named in the scandal. Many refused to answer any questions. However, Kenneth Copeland insisted his immorally gained riches were blessed by God. If Jesus didn’t want it to happen, then it wouldn’t have been in the divine plan.

Experts believe few if any of the ministers, apostles, or bishops will face any negative effects from the scandal. They cite several reasons.

  • Faith creates a positive feedback loop of gullibility.
  • If the religious admit they were conned, then the libs win.
  • USA! USA! USA!

The Department of Justice (DOJ) is refusing to look into the matter. Anonymous sources in the agency are saying it’s totally legal in the United States to separate fools from their money — and their thoughts and prayers.

In related news, kangaroos take over the Supreme Court.

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...