Here is comedian Nathan Timmel’s weekly What Would Jesus Do Wednesday rant. Enjoy!
Will she or won’t she?
That was the question on everyone’s mind after nasty philanderer Al Franken was forced out of his senate seat in 2017. “Will Michelle Bachman run for the United States Senate?”
The question of whether or not to run can only be answered by God. Devoutly religious, Michelle takes all her cues from God, and God alone. God speaks to her, and tells her when to run for office.
God, of course, is a notorious trickster, telling her to run for president in 2012, and then having her finish 6th in the Iowa caucuses.
(She dropped out immediately afterwards. Apparently God wasn’t in it for the long run.)
Fortunately, God spared Bachmann the embarrassment of losing another race. God was very clear on whether or not she should represent Minnesota in the Senate.
Michelle’s religious background, by the way, is in Dominionism. That’s why she wanted to run for president. Dominionism is a belief that the nation should be governed by Christians, based on their personal understandings of biblical law. Why, that doesn’t sound anything like, say, ISIS, does it?
(No… because that other important tenant of Christianity (or any religion) is: We’re right, they’re wrong.)
Michelle grew up a Democrat, but switched to the GOP in college. In her own words, she was reading Gore Vidal’s novel Burr, and “He was kind of mocking the Founding Fathers and I just thought, I just remember reading the book, putting it in my lap, looking out the window and thinking, ‘You know what? I don’t think I am a Democrat. I must be a Republican.'”
Because if there’s any mark of a deep-thinker, it’s reading one book and making a snap decision.
Also, you must be binary in thought: this, or that. One way, or the other. There can be no nuance to your thought process, or understanding of individualism; you must subscribe wholly to one belief and eschew any other.
But Republicanism wasn’t enough for this young go-getter. When the time came, Michelle became a Tea Bagger, because that’s what Jesus would have wanted. She knows that isolation, self-protection, and extreme homophobia are the true messages the Bible offers.
“What’s that?” you ask. “Extreme homophobia?”
That’s right, Michelle Bachmann is married to a Marcus Bachmann, a man highly suspected by anyone who meets him to be gay. But Marcus didn’t rest on his birth laurels. No, he prayed his gay away, and now runs Bachmann & Associates, a clinic that can help other young homosexuals in need of saving, too.
And, and this is important, you might even be able to get into the clinic for free.
How? Well, as a Tea Bagger, Michelle Bachmann is all about fighting government waste. She wants lower taxes for everyone, and less government programs wasted on people. Unless, of course, she is one of those people. Her husband’s anti-gay clinic took $137,000 from Medicaid, a federal program Michelle said was hurting taxpayers and increasing “welfare rolls.” That makes Michelle a perfect Christian, because she heeds well Jesus’ message: Do as I say, not as I do.
A quick side note along that line of thought: she also loves America so much, that she became a Swiss citizen by marriage when her husband, an American citizen, applied for and was granted Swiss citizenship in 2012. Yes, you love your country so much, you want to be with another country. Like a bigamy of citizenship, one would suppose. While normally not a big deal, it is an interesting move for someone who said “America first!” with every speech.
Anyway, returning to Bachmann & Associates, to be fair, the clinics offer more than just anti-gay therapy, they also help with pornography “addiction,” family therapy, and anger management.
And, because all power comes from the Lord, it’s all faith-based therapy.
That’s right, you can pray every problem you have away, just through belief. No sissy psychology or medical treatment here; if God can’t help you, no one can.
And that’s what makes Michelle Bachmann a profile in courage. She’s not afraid to stand up for what she believes in.
Even if it continually flies in the face of everything she says she believes in.
Comedian and author Nathan Timmel writes WWJDW (What Would Jesus Do Wednesdays) here on Laughing in Disbelief. His books include Are You There, Xenu? It’s Me, Nathan and Hey Buddy…: Dubious Advice From Dad.
You can find Nathan on his site and @NathanTimmel on Twitter.