Vice President Mike Pence is planning the first official White House JesusWeen. In keeping with his fundamentalist Christian beliefs, Pence is kicking Halloween out and bringing JesusWeen in. “Mother and I always hated Halloween,” the Vice President explained. “Heck I don’t even like being called the ‘Vice’ President. It makes me feel like I have poopy underwear on.”
The Problem With Halloween
Many evangelicals have issues with what they consider to be the Devil’s holiday, Halloween. RationalWiki explains how the great Christian scholar Jack Chick saw devilish celebration known as Halloween:
The Devil’s Night Chick claimed that Halloween originated in pre-Christian England, where paganpriests of Satan (pre-Christian beliefs and devil-worship being interchangeable in Chick’s world) worshipped a death god named Saman, portrayed in an illustration as a grim reaper figure. According to the tract, trick-or-treating derives from the pagan priests’ practice of going door-to-door and asking for offerings of food for their gods; if food was not given to them they sacrificed one of the household’s children instead, leaving behind a jack-o-lantern to show that no-one else in the house would be harmed.
JesusWeen is the true Christian attempt to wrestle the event from the clutches of Satan. Many evangelicals believe that the candy given to good Christian children on that night is the gateway drug to Tarot cards, Ouija boards, and voting Democrat.
JesusWeen Is The Answer
To fight off the corrupt influence of Satan, Vice President Pence and Mrs. Mother Pence plan to give out pocket Bibles, Christian music CDs, and DVDs of the all white version of Black Panther, White Panther. “Kids will love the godly message of Whitekanda, an all-white community hiding out in Africa,” Vice President Pence stated.
President Trump is away on JesusWeen, so the Pence’s have the White House to themselves. The two plan to make a Hell House. Children and adults of all ages will enjoy the terrors of the hellish afterlife. As with any Hell House, individual rooms will be dedicated to a sin and its punishment. Hellish rooms include:
- Hillary Clinton’s Oval Office – In this alternative history Hillary became President and is personally performing abortions.
- Beto’s O’Rourke’s Demonic Skatepark – There’s a warm place in Hell for that Texas Senator wannabe. Sysiphus had to roll a boulder up a hill over and over again. Beto is going to have to do that while skateboarding.
- Bernie Sanders’ Gulag – Once the White House kitchen, this room is now a work camp where Socialist Bernie Sanders forces God fearing Americans to may gay wedding cakes.
White House security is getting ready for any tricks since all the JesusWeen treats are crappy.
(Just in case you want to help a satirist out!)