Washington DC – In the face of mounting controversies the White House is having Vice President Mike Pence form a task force to protect the blessings evangelicals receive from God.
”New research from the Theological Institute of Technology shows evangelicals are losing their protected status as the main recipients of God’s blessings,” Pence stated. “The new task force I’m heading is going to make sure American evangelicals don’t lose out to those who are less deserving.”
Vice President Pence then outlined how evangelicals are suffering from a 84% dip in God’s gifts, anointings, and goodie bags in the last 18 months or so. The report from the Theological Institute of Theology (TIT) points to other Christian as well as non-Christian groups receiving the supernatural perks once reserved for evangelicals.
Conservative faith-based scientists aren’t sure how liberal Christians, Jews, and Muslims are siphoning off God’s blessings. Some hypothesize the anchor babies from undocumented immigrants are to blame. Others assert the Obama-Hillary Axis of Reptilian Globalist Pedophiles is at fault.
Regardless of how the blessings are being stolen from the evangelical community, Vice President Mike Pence has a four-point plan to right those wrongs:
- Persecute the LGBTQ community.
- Persecute undocumented immigrants.
- Persecute anyone who doesn’t say Merry Christmas during the holiday season.
- Persecute anyone who is following Jesus’ teachings. That includes, but not limited to: turning the other cheek (it’s a little too gay), doing unto others as they would have done unto them, giving away one’s possessions and taking up the cross, caring for the weakest of society because how you treat them is how you’re treating Jesus, giving your cloak to the needy, etc.
American evangelicals are ecstatic with the plan. Many are planning for an epic Christmas due to Santa reorganizing his naughty/nice list in accordance with the task force.
Democrats have yet to formulate a plan how to combat this new wave of biblical level of stupidity.