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Mike Pence leads a new band specializing in retro 80s songs. His hope is to spread public health tips with songs like ‘Bang your head! Wash your hands!’

Washington DC – Mike Pence is nervous. He’s listening to the latest recording of his band’s newest song Cover Your Gob Hole When You Sneeze. The Vice President is wondering whether or not the tune communicates basic public health theory.

Flattening the Curve should tell people exercising caution concerning coronavirus helps ensure our healthcare system isn’t overwhelmed,” he mused. “It does that. But are these power cords supplying enough power?”

“We can raise them to 11,” suggested the engineer.

Vice President Pence agreed.

Flattening the Curve was inspired by a tweet. Although President Trump is known to be on Twitter constantly, Mike Pence also has an account and pays attention to the Twitterverse. This was the tweet.

Mike Pence formed Covid-19 days after being put in charge of the coronavirus task force. He knew no one on God’s green Earth knew how to wash their hands properly. “Two minutes not soliciting gay sex in any public men’s room will tell you that,” he reflected.

And then it dawned on him.

What better way to teach the world about public health than by forming an 8os metal band?

When he realized he got to put on leather and show the world he really really isn’t harboring any poorly repressed homosexual urges, well, it was a no brainer.

His bandmates are excited about recording with the Vice President. What they have difficulty ignoring, however, is the obvious erection their leader has whenever he puts on the leather chaps.

In related news, Gaydar Magazine honors Pence with a lifetime achievement award.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...