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Washington DC- Vice President Mike Pence is getting his stabbing arm and iambic pentameter ready for the upcoming rendition of the play Julius Caesar. The Washington DC Shakespeare Society is currently selling tickets for the yet undetermined dates.

“You would think people wouldn’t buy tickets for a production that doesn’t have a set date to open,” stated Andrew Canard, director of the play. “However, people have a strong need to see a wannabe dictator stabbed.”

Mr. Canard pointed out the Black Lives Matter Night at the Theater is already sold out.

Mike Pence Prepares To Get Stabby

Sources close to the Vice President say Pence is taking his role as Brutus seriously. Supposedly, he is actively conspiring with senators/players like Mitt Romney (who is going to be a kick-butt Cassius, BTW). The group has been meeting secretly and discussing how the assassination of the despot is going to look.

“Romney was like, ‘let’s just do this,’ but Pence wants to do the scene right,” an anonymous source said. “They’re still waiting to see if Senator Susan Collins from Maine is going to join them.”

Pence hired a personal trainer recently. There are whispers the trainer has a history of working with major league pitchers. Is the Vice President exercising his rotator cuff to ensure he stabs effectively when the time comes? The answer is an obvious yes. It’s well known older men don’t have the knife-wielding power they had as youths. Even with Viagra, a proper stab for a man of Pence’s years requires careful preparation.

The Military Gets Involved

Although the Washington DC Shakespeare Society is historically made up of politicians there is a lot of interest by the military to get involved in this year’s play. Many active and retired officers are clamoring for a chance to play an assassin.

One anonymous general going under the pseudonym “Mad Dog” looks like he’s landing a role. While his friends and comrades are happy for him, they are also very, very jealous.

In related news, Finland adopts Satanism as its state religion.


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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...