Reading Time: 2 minutes

Former Vice President Pence today vowed that if he were to run for President in 2024, then part of his agenda would be fighting “subversive homophones.” Pence seemed both agitated and a bit turned on when disclosing this information.

It is indecent that come and cum sound alike.

Mike Pence

The former Vice President is in the news promoting his new book, So Help Me God. He’s been interviewed many times about the book and his experience during the January 6th Insurrection as well as the days following it. Experts are praising Pence’s ability to clench his jaw whenever Donald Trump’s name is uttered.

While other GOP personalities are talking about the evils of teaching children history Pence is going after the English language. “How many children are fooled into thinking Jesus is the Sun of God and not the Son of God?” he asked. “Has Merriam-Webster Dictionary even thought about the children?”

Pence promises that if he is elected, then he will create a blue ribbon commission to finally get a handle on homophones. Will it be difficult to change the way Americans speak and write? Sure, it will. But it’ll be all worth it to have faith-based heterophones.

Teachers, writers, and people who just like to read are perplexed. Sure, homophones make English a bit more difficult to navigate, but a vast majority of people are able to do it easily. Is there something else going on besides Pence trying to energize the Republican base?

Andrew Canard is a columnist who covers politics, entertainment, economics, the weather, psychology, and religion at OnlySky. He’s followed Pence for years and has noticed the man’s dislike of any word that has anything connection with homo. “Pence doesn’t like to say homogenized milk, and Homo sapiens will never pass his lips,” Canard said. “It’s as if he is vigorously repressing some sort of sexy urge.”

In related news, Evangelicals meet to discuss the best way to destroy Earth.

Avatar photo

Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...