Belgrade, Maine – Reverend Andrew Canard of the First Avenue Baptist Church ate a pair of Nike Air Force 1 sneakers during church last Sunday. The man of God preached about the evils of Colin Kaepernick and the Nike ad campaign that features him. Reverend Canard took the entire service to devour the shoes. “Other ministers showboat and cut up Nike sneakers. I’m taking up the cross and eating the cursed footwear, shoelaces and all,” he boasted.
The Greetings and Hymn
Reverend Canard started the worship service while devouring the tongues of the sneakers. He remarked how God gave man the gift of speech. However, the Devil, Colin Kaepernick, and Nike corrupted that speech into something horrible.
The reverend added a bit of soy sauce to his meal and quoted 1 Peter 3:10, “For, “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech.”
Then they all began sang that classic hymn Onward Christian Soldiers.
While the flock gave their hard earned money to the church, Reverend Canard chewed on the quarter panels of the sneakers. The parishioners seemed to enjoy the show and gave a little extra.
The title of the sermon that day was Losing your sole. Reverend Canard started the lesson by referencing Mathew 16:26 What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? Those present endured a number of bad puns regarding souls and soles. Some present didn’t understand the wordplay. “I never knew the Bible hated Nike so much,” one anonymous congregant stated. “Colin Kaepernick really is the antiChrist.”
The sermon was cut short. Reverend Canard collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. It turns out man may not live on bread alone, but that doesn’t mean he can eat sneakers.
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017 Andrew is reading through the Bible and making videos about his journey on YouTube. He is a talented stand-up comedian. You can find him on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.