Judsonia, Arkansas – Minister Bill Knob is offering free faith-based breast cancer screenings. Reverend Knob is offering this service to select women of Steprock County. What is raising eyebrows is the good reverend is laying hands on the women’s breasts to discern if any tumors are present.
Minister Knob is the first person to say he isn’t healing anyone. Rather, the Holy Spirit anointed his hands to act as heavenly mammograms. “An angel told me to go out and diagnose breast cancer,” he said. “But I should only do it to women who are 8s through 10s. Jesus only wants me to touch the attractive ladies.”
He went on to say that he was only the divine vessel and doing God’s bidding.
Medical professionals are urging women not to skip their scheduled mammograms in case Minister Knob gives them a clean bill of health. Doctors point out there are no peer-reviewed studies concerning the efficacy of faith-based hands-on detection of cancer. Of course, those lining up to be fondled for the glory of Christ aren’t aware of what peer-reviewed studies are. Doctor Andrew Canard serves the people of the area and remarked, “This is what happens when people treat science like witchcraft and witchcraft like science.”
Evangelical women from Steprock County flood Knob’s church every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday night to be touched by God. Looking at the crowd and one will see many Trump supporters sporting Make America Great Again caps, shirts, and other swag. “President Trump is saving my body from being kidnapped by Mexicans, and Reverend Knob is saving my breasts from the Devil,” one anonymous woman said.
Local Republican politicians are paying a trip to Knob to see the LORD working in mysterious ways. Some are getting funny pics taken of the Minister laying hands on their breasts. Of course, they have to pay the mandatory $19.95 donation first.
Minister Knob plans to take his diagnostic show on the road. He plans to travel all fifty states and touch as many breasts as Jesus allows. “I’ve been blessed with the holy crusade of touching titties,” he reflected.
The Republican leadership in Washington DC is taking a keen interest in what’s going on in Steprock County. Members of the House and Senate believe that Minister Knob’s faith-based medical care is just what the nation needs.
Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene is proud to say her breasts were screened by Knob. “I felt the Holy Spirit enter my mammary glands and take a good look around,” she said. “Every American woman should have the God-given right to have her insurance pay for this miracle.”
The House plans to vote on the matter in a few days.
Insiders believe it’s only a matter of time before he gets to host a FOX News show.
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