Arkansas County, Texas Reverend Marvin T. Whistle proclaimed April 5, 2016, to be the very first No Contact Day. Reverend Whistle leads a confederation of preachers from congregations around this southwestern Texas county and has been contemplating a Christ-centered response ever since he heard about First Contact Day.
“First Contact Day is a day that the homosexual lobby celebrates the first time two gaybos touch,” explained Reverend Whistle. “Obama has set up FEMA camps around America so that there are places where the local gays can lure in unsuspecting straight boys and girls to give them their first touch of homoerotic touchy-feely.”
Reverend Whistle and his cadre of God-fearing preacher-men have emailed, used phone trees, and gone door-to-door to alert the faithful not to send their children to school today, just in case school buses are conscripted by the federal government to send students to the FEMA installations.
A representative of the Star Trek Society, Austin, Texas Chapter, drove down to Aransas County in order to clarify what First Contact Day actually is. Captain Andrew Canard of the Starship Titan addressed Reverend Canard and other concerned ministers in the sanctuary of Stone Swamp Baptist Church.
I believe there has been a great misunderstanding between our people. Although the Federation is an open and tolerant government made up of diverse species who possess a variety of mating practices and rituals, First Contact Day does is not about the celebration of same-sex relationships. Rather, First Contact Day acknowledges the moment when Zefram Cochrane created a warp field which drew the attention of a close by Vulcan ship of space, thus instigating the first human-alien interaction.
It is reported that the ensuing riot may have been triggered by the ministers’ mistaking the Star Fleet captain’s uniform that Mr. Canard was wearing as something demonic. Eyewitnesses state that some holy men ripped off the costume in order to see if Mr. Canard was wearing special Mormon underwear since it is widely known that the Mormon god lives on a faraway planet.
In an ironic twist of fate, the homophobic preachers were totally taken aback when it turned out that Captain Andrew Canard was not wearing any underwear. It is quite probable that the only reason why the Starfleet officer escaped with his life was that the preachers threw their hands to their eyes when they encountered his naked body.
Undeterred, Reverend Whistle and his band of ministers created a variety of fun-filled activities for the populace to enjoy on this very first No Contact Day.
- Golden Girls Marathon
- Taking off shirts and playing football
- Who has the cutest toy dog competition
“The important thing is that we’re not saying we’re gay,” explained an anonymous minister.
Reverend Whistle is hoping that next year’s celebration will be held in the White House.
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