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Carthage, Mississippi – The school board for this town of roughly 5,000 souls voted unanimously to bring back corporal punishment in the form of a ‘biblical paddle.’

Parents initiated the seemingly radical move after reading how the Cassville School District in Missouri urged their committee to bring back corporal punishment.

Despite the clarity of research condemning the practice, a school district in southwestern Missouri is bringing back corporal punishment.

Beginning this year, children in the Cassville School District could face spanking as a disciplinary measure. The district removed spanking as a form of punishment in 2001, but Cassville School District superintendent Merlyn Johnson says he has no problem with its return. “It is something that has happened on my watch, and I’m okay with it,” Johnson said.

Under parent pressure, a Missouri school district brings back spanking

Sources say a group of parents wanted strict discipline in the classroom in case any child brings up Critical Race Theory, MSNBC, or critical thinking. And while everyone in the group knew corporal punishment was the right way to go, there was a feeling they needed to make it more Christian.

Jesus said, ‘Suffer little children’ and that’s what we’re doing.

School board president andrew canard

When the school board brought the topic up for discussion the main controversy was which version of the Bible were they going to use to discipline unruly students. Many said the NIV translation would do the job adequately. However, after some input from local ministers, the board opted for the traditional King James paddle.

“There was one Catholic who wanted their Bible as a paddle, and I thought, They have their own Bible? Is that even Christian?” one anonymous parent said.

Some residents are questioning whether using a biblical paddle is the right idea. A few are even wondering if the new rule allowing administrators to paddle teachers who talk about forbidden topics may be crossing a line. They are mostly keeping their opinions to themselves. After all, there is talk the police department is considering using the device and no one wants to be targeted for retribution.

In related news, former President Donald J Trump says he was holding US nuclear secrets for a friend.


The image for today’s slice of satire comes from Etsy. (You can see where this is going.) Unfortunately, the CUSTOM Bible Thumper Spanking Paddle is sold out.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...