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Yazoo City, Mississippi –  Mayor Batholomew Hensley signed a bill into law earlier today that will require a 30 day waiting period for anyone wanting to engage in gay sex within the bounds of that municipality.

The new ordinance narrowly defines homosexual intercourse as one or more individuals of the same sex engaging in: fellatio, cunnilingus, orthodox and reformed anal, hand holding (public and private), gazes that last more than three seconds, gay pride parades, speaking the name “Neil Patrick Harris,” watching old episodes of Glee, and the meteorological phenomenon known as rainbows.

In case rainbows are reported brazenly showing themselves in the sky, the law dictates the high school science teacher Mr. Edwards will be held accountable for all documentation.

I kept trying to tell them that I have no control over the weather. Just because I teach meteorology doesn’t mean I can just snap my fingers and order sunlight not to be refracted by water in the atmosphere.

Science Teacher Mr Edwards

The law states if any instances of the listed behavior is observed by “wholesome folk,” then the party or parties involved in such activities must be ready to show official documentation that the 30 day waiting period had been observed.

City officials are laughing at the idea that the new measure is in any way codified prejudice and hate.

“Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen, HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! ” Mayor Hensley reported.

Local faith-based leaders applaud the move by the city council and mayor. First Zion Baptist Church is supplying volunteers to comb the city streets in order to enforce the statute. These volunteers, otherwise known as Shepherds, will work in loosely organized groups, otherwise known as Mobs. 

“American culture does not value marriage,” Andy Q’innard of the Shepherds stated. ” What our Mobs are trying to accomplish is to make sure everyone in our community respect our Christian heritage.”

Some in Yazoo City are concerned about the new ordinance. Local kindergarten and preschool officials are vocally complaining that there is not always a one-to-one boy/girl ratio in their classes.

“When teachers bring their students out in the community we ask the children to form a chain in order to ensure that no one gets lost. It is foreseeable there will be times when two four-year-old boys will need to hold hands,” Principal Lloyd King of Princes and Princesses Pre-School stated. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m all against two consenting adults of the same sex engaging in unregulated happiness, but we do have to be reasonable.”

Yazoo City police are reassuring the populace that there is no reason to worry that toddlers and their teachers are going to be hauled to jail for breaking the law. The official statement from law enforcement states that “law enforcement knows gay when they see it.”

In related news, religious leaders ban noted evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins.


Let’s normalize leaving the GOP!

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...