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A Republican state senator recently proposed to ban scientific theories from classrooms and only teach science facts. The bill is the brainchild of Senator Daniel Emrich and causing quite a commotion in the state known as Big Sky Country.

The legislation comes on the heels of Florida forcing teachers to rename Homo sapiens to People sapiens. The Florida Secretary of Education said, “Exposing students to the term ‘Homo sapiens’ may lead impressionable children to a gay lifestyle.”

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Evangelical Christians are weaponizing their faith to attack academic freedom around the country. Recently, Hamline University adjunct Professor Andrew Canard was fired for teaching his class about the planet Uranus.

A senior named Emily Antebellum became incensed when Canard talked about research from the University of Oxford that stated Uranus smells like farts. Ms. Antebellum found the topic insulting to evangelical Christianity. She went to the administrators and declared her faith was under attack.

Montana state senators support the science-fact-based legislation. However, many believe it doesn’t go far enough. Even though the proposed law states “Science instruction may not include subject matter that is not scientific fact,” there are no penalties for teachers and paraprofessionals who break the rules.

Montana GOP state senator Rufus T. Firefly decided to solve the problem by authoring a supplemental bill that spells out what those punishments are. One such disciplinary technique will be placing the teacher in a medieval cucking stool for the first offense and subjecting them to the ducking stool for further offenses.

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“Not only will we be punishing everyday sinners who cling to the Devil’s “scientific theories,” but we’ll be testing to see if any of them are witches, too,” Senator Firefly said. He also stated the trials of guilty teachers will be open and fair and judgments will be based on only the highest quality of spectral evidence.

State Democrats are trying to reach a compromise with Republican lawmakers. One proposal would punish teachers using more humane medieval torture techniques.

In related news, Marjorie Taylor Greene goes on a rant about “evil left-handed people.”

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...