Atlanta, Georgia – Citing recent articles circulating on social media about the decline of religion in America, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) released new guidance on faith. Fundamentalist Christians and radical Muslims are not the target populations, however. Atheists, agnostics, and their secular allies are priorities.
“We’ve noted a spike of pieces targeting liberals. These articles seek to confirm their biases,” stated CDC Director Andrew Canard. “While the research cited does legitimately point to the decline of religion in the United States, we can not firmly state that the current decline is predictive of future events.”
Director Canard explained the new program will identify those who shared the misleading articles on Facebook and Twitter. These individuals are putting themselves and their community in danger.
Danger
The main concern for any somewhat free society like the United States is for the population to be aware of threats now and in the future. Social media users spreading stories like ‘Christian America’ dwindling, including white evangelicals, study shows give an inaccurate impression that fundamentalism is destined for extinction.
When atheists and agnostics read such reports, scientists discovered the godless are more unrealistic about the threat religion poses.
One anonymous atheist spoke for many:
If fundamentalism is dying out, then it’s a done deal, right? I don’t have to do anything. There’s a lot going on in my life. Minecraft takes a good amount of time. Besides, there’s a block party going on in my cul-de-sac this weekend and I have to make three bean salad. I have other things to worry about than the major political party controlling all three branches of the federal government happens to be controlled by religious nuts.
The Intervention
The CDC plans to target the blissfully ignorant atheists and agnostics by running a series of promoted posts on Twitter and Facebook. These ads will demonstrate that history does not run in a straight line of progress.
Most Americans regardless of being religious or atheist believe things will always get better over time.
“That’s a load of crap,” Director Canard snorted. “I’m sure a lot of fat and happy Romans in the 1st century thought the same way.”
Some of the promoted posts will show pictures comparing Afghanistan in the 1960s and 1970s to how it looks today. The former pictures will show women in what was then considered fashionable attire one could see in the streets of New York or London. The latter pics will show women covered head to toe in Islamic misogyny.
Will it Work?
“Probably not,” reported CDC Director Canard as he drank another rum and coke. “Fighting human stupidity is like peeing in the wind. But, what the hell, I get paid for peeing on myself.“
Andrew Hall is the author of Laughing in Disbelief. Besides writing a blog, co-hosting the Naked Diner, he wrote two books, Vampires, Lovers, and Other Strangers and God’s Diary: January 2017
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