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New’ Religion Demands What Many are Calling ‘Just Sleeping on the Job, Those Lazy Ingrates’

Followers of what they refer to as ‘The Church of Sacramental Naps for Obsolete Operating Systems’ (or Church of SNOOS for short) say they have a constitutional right to, and their employers have an obligation to accommodate, their deeply-held religious practice of lying on their back with their eyes closed in a ‘state of deep meditation’ for 20 minutes every day at 12:40 pm.

“You see,” said spokesperson Reginald Edit. “The law is very clear that employer’s must provide ‘reasonable accommodation’ for religious practices. What could be more reasonable than a small space that doesn’t even need to be well lit? Our church will even work with employers to provide one of our Sealy Posturepedic ‘meditation altars’ free of charge. Though our members are encouraged to decorate them however they want to best achieve a stable re-boot process.“

SNOOSers believe that the human brain is very much like a biological computer, which means as it gets older it doesn’t quite work as well as it used to, some things stop doing updates, and a bunch of vendors stop supporting them altogether. They profess that a 20 minute “forced reboot” at 12:40pm daily is the key to preventing spontaneous system malfunctions and living a continued fulfilling life.

Opponents of the practice call it ‘heathen blasphemy’ and ‘against the will of god’.

“The Holy Bible says sloth is a sin.” Said local pastor Rogald McCalfry at a recent City Council Meeting. “And I don’t care if they say they’s meditating, they’re getting a free nap!”

When asked about the criticism the group issued a statement imploring opponents like the pastor to consider secular options “This is no different than any other religiously observed ‘prayer’ and we would ask our Christian friends to join us in seeking at secular alternative in granting everyone 20 minutes each day for them to quietly exercise their own beliefs.”

Members of the atheist community were open to discussing such options saying, “I’m fine with getting 20 minutes to just do nothing every once and a while. That sounds really nice actually.”

*This Poe was penned by Jack Matirko who blogs over at For Infernal Use Only and co-hosts the Naked Diner Podcast with me.


Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...