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A new study from the Theological Institute of Technology (TIT) reveals atheists block God’s blessings. In fact, just having an atheist friend, romantic partner, relative, or coworker will significantly lessen the Almighty’s anointings upon a God-fearing Christian.

It seems God’s power can’t penetrate reason.

Professor Andrew Canard

Professor Andrew Canard led the TIT research team. Scientists observed 208 Evangelicals over the course of a year. Researchers explored every part of the subjects’ personal and professional lives to determine the extent to which Christians are exposed to atheists and how blessed the faithful’s lives actually were.

Professor Canard defined a blessing as any incident worthy of going on Twitter and humblebragging about it using #blessed. Examples include but are not limited to:

Researchers identified blessings into several broad categories:

  • Financial
  • Healthcare
  • Spiritual
  • Parking spaces
  • Toxic Narcissism
  • Christofascist (MAGA-related)

It took several months for scientists to gather the data concerning the blessings each subject received. These were the considered baseline blessings. Afterward, unbeknownst to the participants in the study, atheists infiltrated their personal and professional lives. Scientists collected more data. After a month these godless heretics were removed to see if blessings went back to baseline.

The findings are clear and disturbing:

  1. Just having one atheist coworker refuses to join the team-building prayer circle at work blocks 88% of God’s financial blessings for everyone in the office.
  2. Having someone at Starbucks say “Gesundheit” instead of “God bless you” when you sneeze limits God’s healthcare blessings by 109%.
  3. Evangelicals who merely read the name Richard Dawkins will have their spiritual blessings decreased by 200 Philistinian foreskins.

“Atheists pose a clear and present danger to Christians,” Professor Canard stated. “I don’t know about you, but I’m sending thoughts and prayers to those affected.”

In related news, a boy divorces his parents under a religious freedom law.


*Note: The tweets in this post were created via a tweet generator site.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...