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Columbus, Ohio – This GOP primary in Ohio was supposed to be a cordial match between two seasoned politicians, but it is now centered around a winner take all shooting competition.

Ohio senator Rob Portman is retiring. Senator Portman rose up in the ranks of the Republican party back in the time when people were polite to those who didn’t agree with them. Those days are long gone.

Who would’ve thought two Republican candidates would use guns to decide an election? Every one, that’s who.

Daily show host trevor Noah

Lawrence Dewey and Andrew Canard are the two men vying to replace Portman. They are well known to voters in the Buckeye State.

Lawrence Dewey is a senior member of the prestigious law firm Dewey, Cheetem, & Howe (DCH). DCH first came into the public’s eye when it scored a huge win for corporate interests in the landmark case Lead and Asbestos Inc vs Mrs. Smith’s Third Grade Class.

Andrew Canard rose to fame by inheriting his family’s vast wealth. He’s active in the community by paying off right-wing politicians and championing the current conspiracy theory.

“Andy knows all about everything,” said one anonymous supporter. “A few years ago he was a Flat Earther, but once Qanon became popular he got into that. He’s my hero.”

Initially, the two men were cordial to each other. They shook hands at public gatherings. On more than one occasion they were seen having lunch together.

However, as the primary got closer and the polls showed the race was in a dead heat things spun out of control.

The first flashpoint occurred when both men tried to kiss the same baby at the same time during a county fair. The mother had to separate them.

Dewey and Canard clashed again when they both went to visit former President Trump at Mar-a-Lago to obtain his endorsement. No one knows for sure what happened, but they returned black and blue and neither had won Trump’s blessings.

It was the dueling commercials that tipped the campaigns over the edge. Mr. Dewey’s TV ad charged that Canard had never violently fantasized about shooting an unarmed Black Lives Matter protester. Canard answered with his own commercial stating Dewey wasn’t even a member of the NRA.

It was only logical that gunfire would resolve this Republican primary.

“We’re doing this on the level according to the United States Practical Shooting Association rules,” Mr. Dewey said. “The winner gets to shoot the Democrat candidate.”

In related news, Tucker Carlson’s newest product is a panini penis press.

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