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Atlanta, Georgia The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) announced today that owning an assault weapon will turn its owner transexual. The research findings clearly show within a few minutes of purchasing an AR-15 the process begins and takes only a few days for the process to become irreversible.

The new study comes on the heels of others that show the deleterious effects of owning an assault weapon. Each scientific study has had no effect on gun control legislation or the purchasing of military-style weapons in America.

“We decided to make some stuff up to get people to stop buying and using guns,” stated lead researcher, Andrew Kinnard. “The CDC is in charge of public health and any idiot can see that mass shootings are a public health problem. Thus, we decided to say that owning an assault weapon turns your penis into a vagina.”

Researchers had come to the sad conclusion that facts, well-reasoned arguments, and appeals to common humanity were powerless against the National Rifle Association (NRA) and the spinelessness of politicians. It was Artie, the IT guy, who was shooting the crap with co-workers at lunch who came up with the idea the only way to fight the irrational love dudes have for assault weapons is with the irrational fear they have for getting a vagina.

“It was brilliant. Mother fecking brilliant,” reported Andrew Kinnard.

Many skeptics in the CDC questioned the idea of telling people that if a woman owns a gun, she will turn into a guy. However, there is more than ample evidence that shows that gun nuts who are male fear the idea of losing their masculinity more than anything else.

“And white men are the problem,” noted Kinnard. “We have to target them.”