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Here is comedian Nathan Timmel’s weekly rant What Would Jesus do Wednesdays – Profiles in Courage.

Enjoy!

 

If you’re a regular reader of What Would Jesus Do Wednesday: Profiles in Courage, you might be thinking: “Hey! This column is a sausage fest! You’re doing nothing but giving men their due when it comes to Christian beliefs!”

Well noticed, dear reader. Well noticed.

It’s… It’s almost like Christianity was designed to be the ultimate form of patriarchy. Men creating a system that puts them at the top and is used to control women, “Because God says so.”

But, that couldn’t be, could it? Not if Paula White has anything to say about it.

That’s right, our first female profile of courage!

(Be excited. Be very excited.)

So, first up: Paula White is Donald Trump’s spiritual advisor. That alone should qualify her for a “Profile of Courage.” It takes true ball… er, ovaries, so stand before people and say, “This man, Donald Trump is a solid Christian.”

But Paula doesn’t stop there. No, not only is Donald Trump a good Christian, he has been chosen by God to lead America. To stand in his way is to resist “the hand of God.”

Now THAT’S special. Personally, I thought God chose kings, not presidents, but what do I know? I’m not good at history.

So, did Trump choose Paula to be his spiritual advisor because she is thrice-divorced, just like he is? Maybe.

Did Trump choose Paula because she has defrauded parishioners and gone through bankruptcy, meaning he can relate to her? Maybe.

Did Trump choose Paula because she’s been investigated by Congress because she teaches the “prosperity gospel” and therefore swindles people out of their money? Maybe.

Did Trump choose Paula, because he likes lying about being a billionaire, and she never finished community college, yet likes lying about having a doctorate? Maybe.

Did he choose her because she’s an easy-on-the-eyes blonde woman that he discovered while watching television? If I were a Magic 8 Ball, I’d say “All Signs Point to Yes,” but what do I know? I’m not very good at understanding the mind of a narcissistic sociopath.

But let’s go back to that “prosperity gospel” note from a moment ago? What exactly is that, “prosperity gospel?”

Well, to sum it up quickly, the idea is: good Christians send money to a con artist legitimate pastor like Joel Osteen, T.D. Jakes, or Paula White, and then somehow the parishioners lives are enhanced when money flows into their lives! I mean, that makes nothing but sense. You send your money to someone else, and by doing that, money will flow to you. Sounds great, doesn’t it? Kind of like a pyramid scheme. Except for the part where others send you money, that is. Because in this case, all the money just goes straight to the pulpit.

None of that makes Paula special, though, does it? I mean, there are plenty of con artists legitimate pastors out there preaching the gospel.

Well, Paula is notoriously preachy. In fact, every year she asks her followers to send their first month’s salary to her church. That’s only one-twelfth of your overall salary! A bargain, right? Most churches just ask for 10%, and that’s more than one-twelfth, I think.

(I’m not good at math. Probably best to just send her your cash and live well under the guise of God.)

The long and short of it is: Paula White was once a spiritual advisor to Michael Jackson.

One can only hope she achieves the same kind of results with President Trump.

And soon.

 

Comedian and author Nathan Timmel writes WWJDW (What Would Jesus Do Wednesdays) here on Laughing in Disbelief. His books include  Are You There, Xenu? It’s Me, Nathan and  Hey Buddy…: Dubious Advice From Dad.

You can find Nathan on his site and @NathanTimmel on Twitter. 

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