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(CNN) – In the Maternal and Newborn Care wing of Baptist Memorial Hospital in Jackson, Mississippi is a basket full of TBG – Mens Tactical Baby Carrier for Infants and Toddlers.

Staff actively talk with moms and dads about the proliferation of gun violence and urge them to take as many tactical baby carriers as they want. “They can give them away to friends and family. In the name of sweet Baby Jesus just protect your babies from high-caliber rounds.”

In 2022, 1,672 children and teenagers under 17 were killed by gun violence and 4,476 were injured, according to the Gun Violence Archive, a nonprofit organization tracking injuries and deaths by gunfire since 2014.

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The No Baby Left Behind initiative is an attempt to raise public awareness about gun violence, and, of course, to limit the number of baby killings due to gunfire.

“People just assume babies get shot in the middle of gunfights at convenience stores or Waffle Houses, and that’s just not the case. Many babies suffer lethal gunshot wounds at home when mom, dad, or some other family member is simply playing around with a weapon while holding a baby,” said Professor Andrew Canard, a professor of pediatrics at Miskatonic University and an expert in gun violence.

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Over the course of only three months, thousands of tactical baby carriers have been given out. The program is so successful the No Baby Left Behind program will expand to ice cream trucks, several Chuck E. Cheese restaurants, and daycare centers.

Doctors stopped asking new parents if there are guns in the home and how they are stored. Because guns are so common, it’s safe to assume that several weapons are in the house and/or visitors will bring a firearm into the home and want to hold the baby while showing off their new Glock-26 9mm semiautomatic handgun.

Professor Canard praises giving bulletproof baby carriers to anyone who wants one. “The best thing about it is that the state bought the carriers at wholesale and used revenues from the legalization of marijuana to do it. We go a big win for public safety without having to sock it to everyday taxpayers.”

Initial data shows that giving free bulletproof protection for babies does, in fact, mean there are fewer dead babies in Mississippi. Even though there’s been a dramatic decrease, there is still room for improvement. For example, many dads and moms forget they have a baby strapped onto them while they are engaging in a fun afternoon of day drinking. Future models of the carrier will have a built-in timer that will go off just to remind them.

There are some critics of No Baby Left Behind. Some pundits pontificate that authorities are just giving up on trying to enact common-sense gun control measures. However, anyone who has even a cursory knowledge of the United States of America knows that real gun control isn’t going to happen anytime in the near future.

“We shouldn’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good,” Professor Canard said. “Until we get sensible gun control laws, our best protection against babies being shot are these free kevlar carriers.”

In related news, these 5 guns are highly rated for fetus self-defense.


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If you’re interested in gun control this book, Repeal the Second Amendment: The Case for a Safer America may interest you.

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...