CNN – Camden, Mississippi is like many rural areas in The Magnolia State who have fallen in love with Passover Paint. Its people live simple lives. They get up in the morning, go to work, and when they come back home many of them don’t worry about their firstborn children being killed by the angel of death during the night due to the lambs’ blood-infused Passover Paint.
Passover Paint is guaranteed to contain 10% lambs’ blood. Consumer Reports (CR) recommends it as a best-buy for house paint. “The blood actually creates a protective covering from the elements,” CR stated.
Reverend Andrew Canard of Warren Avenue Baptist Church is the creator and CEO of Passover Paint. Though his congregation is small, he had big dreams of changing the world. He noticed many evangelical Christians are concerned about the Rapture and fixate on the end of the world. However, he knew his good book and there have been many times God committed murder on a huge scale and the world kept spinning on.
“My friends and family keep an eye out for Jesus returning and that’s not unreasonable,” Reverend Canard said. “But they don’t realize that even though God said He’d never flood the world again, He never mentioned never killing the firstborn again. And that’s how I came up with Passover Paint.”
The killing of the firstborn was the tenth plague God sent against the Pharaoh. The Ancient Egyptian despot refused to set the Israelites free from bondage and the LORD sent the angel of death to kill the firstborn sons of Egypt. The only thing that saved the Israelites from suffering the same fate was that they painted their doors with lamb’s blood so that the angel knew not to murder any of their children. And while God promised He would never flood the world again, He was mum about never slaughtering children.
Local businesses report they can’t get enough of Passover Paint to meet the demand. There have been reports of fights breaking out over who gets the last gallon. Reverend Canard states that he is scaling up the business and planning to go on Shark Tank to see if he can get a business partner to assist him in his holy mission.
In related news, QAnon Shaman Jacob Chansley sues Brazil’s Shaman.
Thanks for stopping by! You may like the book 30 Arguments against the Existence of “God”, Heaven, Hell, Satan, and Divine Design. It’s a great read!