Vatican City – Pope Francis addressed thousands today in St. Peter’s Square to give comfort and insight concerning the divorce of Hollywood superstars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. After reflecting on the pressures modern life places on couples, and praying for Pitt’s and Jolie’s six children, the pontiff blamed gay marriage for the tragedy.
Gay marriage is turning man against woman, woman against man, and small woodland creatures against each other. The unnatural attraction between two adult men is a poison spreading around the world. The unnatural attraction between two women is gross, don’t get me wrong. God hates all homosexuality, but two dudes getting it on is just spiritually icky.
Pope Francis continued for three hours in that vein.
The Politically Correct Police Pounce
Liberal media outlets immediately cried foul to Pope Francis blaming gay marriage for heterosexual divorces. “Social scientists have yet to see a causal relationship between the divorce rate and marriage equality,” stated Professor Andrew Canard of the Theological Institute of Theology (T.I.T.).
MSNBC’s Marcia Groth of The Groth Report spent most of her program analyzing Jennifer Anniston’s reaction to Brangelina’s divorce. Ms. Groth was able to fit in the Church’s inhumane stance against gay marriage as well as the bombing that destroyed an aid convoy in Syria.
American Catholics Say “Enough Is Enough!”
A recent phone poll of self-identified Catholics revealed that 85% were sick and tired of the Church’s rush to blame marriage equality whenever something goes wrong.
So what’s the difference between some Ayatollah in Iran saying earthquakes are caused by overly exposed boobies, and the Pope saying divorce is caused by two dudes saying “I do”? – an anonymous respondent
Many Catholics are planning to join other faith-based communities to hold candlelight vigils for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Afterward, small breakout groups will form to discuss the problems many denominations have with homosexuality. Many liberals will decry the state of affairs in their churches, but will demand the Bible is a book of love regardless of what is actually in the Bible.
Future Plans For Scapegoating
The Catholic hierarchy is tightlipped on how they will scapegoat women, clergy sex abuse survivors, and homosexuals in the future. However, anonymous sources within the Church whisper that Catholicism may be going back to its roots and start persecuting Jews.
“We have a rich history of putting those people into ghettos,” stated one source. “Statistics show that in America hate crimes against Jews far outweigh anti-Muslim ones. We need to get on that if the Church is going to stay relevant.”
*Note: I hope I’m not the first one to tell you about Pitt and Jolie breaking up. Tragic, eh? Me? I’m omni-apathetic on the matter. That news is clogging up the zeitgeist, so it was necessary to do a post on it for Laughing in Disbelief.
Here’s a real news clip on the matter.
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