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Vatican City – New documents leaked from the heart of the Catholic Church reveal that Pope Francis has several contingency plans just in case sh*t gets real. The plans include jetting to distant destinations, scurrying into Switzerland, and, if nothing else is available, hiding out in a special bunker under the Vatican.

It’s only a matter of time before the woke mob wakes up and hauls everyone in Vatican City to jail.

Cardinal Andrew Canard

The number of threats facing the world’s largest Christian denomination is growing day by day. Secularization in developed countries means law enforcement is not as willing to turn a blind eye to pedophile priests and the Church that protects them. Radical Islam is still on many minds in key Catholic leadership positions. What would happen if the Pope gets targeted by Islamic terrorists? Another very real danger is the possibility of a worldwide superplague. Can the faithful depend on God protecting the Vicar of Christ? The answer is an obvious NO!

“We don’t like to use the term “Hitler bunker,” but what we have is basically an updated Hitler bunker under the Vatican,” said an anonymous cardinal.

When Catholic officials were asked about the fortified underground Popequarters, no one wanted to officially say they unofficially call it the Hitler bunker. However, recovered texts and emails show that cardinals, bishops, and priests use the term with abandon. Some officials off the record said they didn’t expect Pope Francis to commit suicide if he were stuck in the bunker ala Hitler because it’s a mortal sin.

What may shock everyday Catholics is the Pope’s plan to flee to North Korea in case he ever gets summoned to the European High Court to stand trial for Crimes Against Childanity (CAC). Even though the Pope is protected against persecution as a head of state, many Catholic theologians note that didn’t save the Panamanian autocrat Manuel Noriega.

In related news, Ben Stiller is still in crisis after sitting next to comedian Pete Davidson at a Knicks game.

This poorly written Poe was inspired by the NPR story The Pope has revealed he has a resignation note to use if his health impedes his work

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Andrew Hall escaped a childhood of religious indoctrination and is now a non-miserable human being. He's made millions of people laugh as well as angry. (He hopes he's made the right people annoyed.) Targets...